You are probably thinking what the hell is she talking about, sex without my penis? Really?
Yeah right. Sex is all about the penis. I love my penis. I can’t have sex without my penis. My lover loves my penis. I really love my penis. Penis Penis Penis.
STOP, ok, that is your first misconception. I need to tell you, that you have been duped. Actually we have all been duped. Society’s obsession with your phallus is leading you down the path to a load (pardon the pun) of unnecessary sexual problems, or rather, straight down to the chemist for super expensive and often unnecessary pharmaceuticals aka the little blue pill. Of course, it, and by that I mean your penis, does actually come in handy sometimes. That is a given. Having a penis that produces sperm kinda helps the fertilisation/reproductive process right? I think we can all agree on how amazing that is (if that’s the path you want to go on)Ejaculation is a pretty cool process too. A hard on is super special and apparently (so I’ve been told) feels pretty damn neat.
But, did you know you can have an orgasm without ejaculation? They can actually be two separate things. Did you know you can orgasm without a hard on? I’ve had clients with spinal cord injuries (and a penis) whom are then able to feel pleasure, experience amazing sensations and orgasms, in other parts of other their bodies.
Seriously, how cool is that? Your biggest SEX organ is actually your brain.
Which is why often, when folks with a penis are feeling under pressure to “perform” sexually, their penis does not work the way they want it too. Imagine then, what it would be like if we taught people that sexual activity doesn’t just have to be about penetration. I suggest if we spoke about this more openly, the impact on both everyone’s sexual functioning could only be positive. Just think for a minute what it would be like to be sexual with someone and not be worried about the fact you thought your penis wasn’t big enough, your erection wasn’t hard enough, or how long you might last before ejaculation. What a relief right? Oh and just a bit of information on that topic of ejaculation and timing, do you know that Alfred Kinsey, the famous sex researcher from the 50’s found that nearly 20% of people with a penis ejaculated within two minutes of penetration and 47 .6 % ejaculated within 5 minutes. Which is kinda interesting really; given that so many folks with a penis feel under enormous pressure to last for hours on end. It also means that many people with penises who have been diagnosed (or self diagnosed) as having a “sexual problem” are actually functioning within a normal range (and yep, we can blame pornography for adding to all these unrealistic sexpectations) so, in a nutshell we are all living by a bunch of so called “sex rules” that firstly aren’t even realistic and second, written in stone. Anywhere. Go figure!
And another thing: Hot tip for those people with penises who like to have sex with people with vaginas: Most folk with a vagina do not orgasm through penetration alone. (In fact statistics tell us only around 30% of people will be able to do that) So that right fact right there means there is about 70% of people (with vaginas) NOT needing your hard on to get off. Yep. That’s right you can help them get off without the need for a hard penis.
And, if you are a person with a penis who likes to sleep with other people with a penis, well guess what? They too don’t all want/need a hard on, to get it oneither. Many people with penises who have sex with other people with penises don’t want any penetration at all. Yep, that’s just another myth.
Phew. Are you relieved yet? Or, still not convinced? Ok, how about if I told you that by allowing yourself to open up to the notion that your sexual activity can be a whole lot more than penis in vagina/anus penetration you are actually opening up the opportunity to take your sexual repertoire to a whole new level. You see, in doing that It forces you to “think outside the box” (pardon the pun, again) and in turn gives you a space where you can really reinvent your sexual script.
I know some of you who are reading this are asking “but what if may partner actually says they need a hard penis penetrating them to be able to orgasm?” Well, my answer that is, who said it has to be one attached to your body? No, seriously who said that? There are plenty of sex toys, hard objects and other gadgets that can give just as good, if not better hardness for those really wanting that for penetration. I can also share with you that many of my clients who have experienced concerns with their penis not being as hard as they would like or not lasting as long as they would like have actually noticed that once they start approaching sexual activity in this manner their penis does stand up for some action.
So, my sexologist tip for today is this;
If you just let yourself take the emphasis off the need for a raging hard penis (aka boner) everyone, especially you, can just relax a little and really get down to enjoying your sexual contact, hard on or not.
